The Soap Box

Let's keep this going.  No pressure, but I know that certain people on this email strain also have stories about...

a) terrible breast-feeding coaches,
b) horrible nurses,
c) rude people out in the real world who don't understand that babies cry sometimes, 
d) parents and/or family members trying to help, but making everything more difficult instead,
e) dealing with creepy people who come out of nowhere and offer to hold (read: steal) your child.

Feel free to vent on any of this if the mood takes you.  And, if any of you think I'm pointing you out secretly and specifically, you might be surprised to learn that certain problems are more universal than you think. 

Just add comments to this post and let the hilarity ensue!

From the PNW ...

OMG!  I just had a Kim at her New Moms group moment.  I'm changing the boy and he's just as happy as can be (because given all the miscellaneous crap that he has to sit in or play with, his favorite thing in the entire world is to lay on the changing table - if i strap him down I can go get a drink, right?).  Cooing, smiling, he could not have been more darling as I took his diaper off oh so carefully while covering his ever peeing wiener...I even more skillfully pull away the old diaper before he can drag his feet through his poop soup, which is another favorite hobby of his when all of a sudden he is projectile pooping across the room.  I seriously didn't know a human body could do that.  Like a trajectory enough to hit the far wall and everything in it's path including a stack of goddamn clean diapers, his nasal bulb, and the clean laundry pile I had yet to put away!  The physics was astounding and I had to share....

From 420 ... The Address ...

First and foremost... Jay-Jay?? WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BANANAS, YO??

Secondly, thanks so much for writing.  I always wanna hear stories about Bean, KaDo, even when he's a Satan Child (which can be often).  Kim, your story had me literally laugh-out-loud for the first time today/tonight.  And Nicki, extra thanks to you, only because I was starting to get nervous about YOU getting nervous. 

But, this seems like a valuable resource, and we should keep it going if people want.  When I originally wrote this email, I was only offering myself up.  But, this is much much more valuable than what I had in mind.  Whether it's on this string or in new emails (I vote this string, but that's only because I'm narcissistic), I vote that the Mothers and Fathers Of Children continue to sound out when they feel the need.  I know I wanna hear it, and it sounds like others do, too. 

If anyone wants off this string in the future, there's no weirdness in bowing out.  Just let us know.  And on the other side, always feel free to add any frustrations or anecdotes about the wonderful hell of parenthood.  This is, and will continue to be, a completely non-judgmental sounding board-slash-vent sponge for all of you. 

Don't feel pressure to write.  Just know it's always here for you.  And all of us are, too.

I love you all very much,

   Uncle Tommy

From the PNW ...

We DO have each other!  Reading the realistic rants of the some of the best people I know doesn't scare me (well kind of) as much as it gives me comfort in that I know where to turn when it's all just crazy.  Clearly, we are all capable, skilled, talented, smart individuals but damn kids for changing all of that.  I am grateful for the rants because the parents who are all "AMAZING AND AWESOME ALL THE TIME" are clearly more full of shit than Boy Krueger.  I love you and it's a horrid shame we can't have our own "New Moms Network" because what I found from our childbirth class is that clearly no one else has a sense of humor like we do.  If were drinking I would cheers to always being able to say a little or a lot of whatever we need to.

XOXO,
Mama to Be

P.S. JJ, could you also send us up some bananas because waddling to the store takes too much time?

From the Great White North

So today I went to my second "New Moms Network" class where new moms meet weekly to learn parenting tidbits form community health nurses. Well, Calvin started the class off by defying gravity and shitting upwards. Yes - all the way past the edge of his diaper and up to his shoulder blades. I only noticed it 15 mins later as I was trying to nurse him (as he was trying to tear my nipple off with his dagger-like gums - don't even get me started on this) and peaked down into my stupid nursing cape to discover that he had basically hot-boxed himself in. We instantly became the "Stinky Baby" people that I have always feared being labeled as. We then spent the next 20 mins changing his diaper in the corner only to discover that I had not brought enough wipes and literally had to wipe the remaining shit off his back with his soiled sleeper. Oh - and while I was changing him he decided to pee all over himself, myself and the change pad. Did I mention we had no wipes at this point? And to top it all off, I went to put on his spare sleeper from the diaper bag only to discover that he had grown out of it. So, now I have a stinky baby in a too-small sleeper being carried around by the stinky mommy who hadn't even brushed her hair before she left the house. I was certain Social Services would be waiting for us when we got home.

Alas, Social Services was not there. But you know who was.... Projectile Pukey Quincey. Yup. Projectile puked repeatedly over the course of the next 3 hours which of course, scared the shit out of me. So, I have spent the last 3 hours trying to feed a baby who insists that she's starving, but is unable to keep anything down, and taking her temperature between each feed certain that I will look down at the thermometer to find a reading of "You Are The Worst Mother in the World". There is still shit on my pants from Calvin's earlier performance, there is literally dried up breast milk in my hair from Quincey's latest episode and the house is drenched in spit up and tears.

Lord, Lord, Lord give me strength. And, KaDo - if I could I would hop on a plane to LA to babysit for you so you could enjoy one glorious night out, because I can only imagine how badly you must need it.

On the up side - at least we have each other.

Thanks for the ear. I love you all.
~ Mrs. K

From SoCal ...

as this is the rant a little or a lot group...i have some adding to the bog of despair today.

in the last year justin & i have officially been on 2 (TWO) dates (2!). one in december & one in february. yeah awesome & by awesome i mean it sucks a big one. 

i think aerosmith is very penisly awesome :)

also, another thing no one talks about is how there is no help. we don't have parents around to help or siblings nearby & as of today someone who told us three months ago that they'd babysit for us this weekend & next because we have stupid weddings to go to that don't allow children (don't even want to start there) FLAKED. this will now cost us $150 in childcare from a STRANGER. i somehow have to be okay with this because i'd rather go to these two paid for dinners with other adults & not have the boy satan along who is so high maintenance & gets tired before mommy is drunk. oh & the kicker for me is that the "friend" in question told me on the phone she "TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS" why we don't go out anymore. ummm no. it's not even possible. there's just no way to explain how disappointed you become in someone when they do that. a night off the lease is sooooo much more important than it used to be. but this person doesn't have kids. but don't worry, i'll have my revenge. when she does decide to start a family i will be the supportive friend that says how AMAZING & AWEOME & NO POOPY DIAPERS EVER! she'll fall for it for sure. we all do :)

& what do you think the boy did today to honor this? rubbed his hands in his junk while covered in poo & smiled. this is not the first or worst of this behavior. boys are gross.

that's all i have for today. kruegers i hope this makes you feel a little better knowing you know others with zero life & nick, well it's just too late to turn back so sorry :)

 thank you all for letting me vent a little/lot here. i know i know it's only monday. 

xo

kado.

p.s. jj we're outta bananas, can you get some on your way home :)

From Smalley

Here's what babies don't do:

Argue

Embarrass you in public

Bring weapons to school

Argue

Fall in love with skanks

Lie to your face

Argue

Make terrible fashion choices

Think you're stupid

Argue

Play the same goddamn Aerosmith song over and over and over....Jesus God let it stop!

Consider the word "Penisly" an adverb.

Argue

It only gets more complicated with higher stakes. Enjoy that time when they're too weak to leave the blanket and too stupid to open the front door. Before you know it they're old enough to be tried as adults.